Archive for April 30, 2016

Advice for Fathers

Unbreakable Toy: An implement useful for breaking other toys.

Peparations for Paternity: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch until fall arrives. If this doesn’t bother you, then you might be ready for fatherhood.

Things you learn as a dad: The sound of a toilet flushing and the phrase “Oh-Oh” means it’s already too late.

What you must never say to your pregnant wife: “Can’t they induce labor? The 27th is the SuperBowl…”

A Dad Moment: After buying a new bowling ball and putting it on the front seat of his car, Jim let his son Brett, fifteen, behind the wheel for a driving lesson. When a squirrel darted out in front of them, Brett alertly braked. The sudden stop caused the bowling ball to roll off the seat and onto the gas pedal. The car sped up and crashed into two parked cars. Luckily, no one was hurt. To Brett’s chagrin, Dad turned the driving lessons over to Mom.

A Dad Moment: Mike who traveled a lot, returned from one trip in a thunderstorm only to find his four-year-old son Scott in bed with Mommy. After spending the night on the couch, Mike told Scott, “It’s ok to sleep with Mom during a storm, but not when Daddy is coming home.” When Mike returned from his next trip, Scott blurted, “Daddy, I’ve got great news. This time nobody slept with Mommy while you were away.”

P.J. O’Rourke: Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.